it starts on the way home from work.
How did he find her?
how did he know her?
she could never see his face.

was this to abuse her? or worse.
where were the videos going?
How did he know her intire circle of friends?
Was he going to kill them?

emotionally
How could you deal with being held at gun point day after day
Forced upon someone
Someone who you know is terrified

He ties her and cleans her
Roughly waxes her and clips her nails
forces out poorly written scripts through their lips
some attempt at gunpoint pornography

on the outside.
At first the videos are a hit.
posted on internet on free sites
people think they are acted.

Until someone makes a connection
With the people in the videos
and a news story from at least six months back
how long had he had them?

The room used is so indescript
no idea where they are filmed
are they still alive?
family and friends start coming forward

no clues.
all they can do is watch it happen
Weekly posts give hope that they are still alive although it could have been taped at any time.


+++++++++++++++++++++

hmmmm just a little brain storming
i'm thinking this may be something i would like to write
i may start on it today
if you are interested in updates on it let me know.
I might post little bits here but not the full thing for obvious reasons

so picture this
The girl wakes up
The room is dark
a familiar voice

the lights come on
she is naked
her eyes fall on a naked body beside her
The brother of someone she is involved with

They are tied
forced to have sex
in front of a camera
several times

will they get out alive?


+++++++++++

this story has been brewing in my head a while should i write it?

My darling girl
It has been ages since we have spoken
What path have you fallowed to bring you back to my doorstep?

Like a wall piled high with heavy cinderblocks
Doubts, fears, shortcomings
I hit i dead end and had to come back

I see it within you
That shining light
Why can't you just let it guide you?

I am blocked at every turn
hopelessly

by friend or foe
consistantly

Are you sure it is not you who has built this wall
My eternal love?
Precious girl
You have caged yourself

If it were but a cage
just starve the body till it grows thin enough to slip between
No this is far more sturdy a thing.

Beautiful dreamer
shining gilded star
Must every solution involve distruction?

To move on i must leave behind.
To progress i must furst step back

Not so
My lovely
Not so

To move forward you must gain momentum

I haven't the strength

Build your own strength on the shoulder of another

++++++++++++++++++

yar 15 mins
very odd just randomness i may edit later.
tiem for work

Today i am worn thin.
The body has begun digesting itself.
And to what purpose?
To go on
To move on
To hold on to that little thread that means
the difference between life and death.

The days of safety are past.
No more convenience..
No more net.
I climb without harness nor rope.
Just bare hands and nails digging at this rock.
This sheer stone wall in my path.

How do i get over?
How do i get to the other side.
So easy.
Yet so hard.
It can be done.
It will be done.
But first i must heal.
I must learn to treat my own wounds.
No one can do this for me i know.

today i am worn thin.
The body has begun to digest itself.

+meaning+

All this life of yours
You've searched
For a meaning
For a rerason for all this
Haven't you, my darling?

So many years i dug deep inside
Thinking i must have been the problem
Believing that i was the reason i couldn't feel.

So much time it has been
You've finally caught it.
This meaning
This Guilded pair of wings
Could it be, my sweetness?

I had to shed all that was comfortable
So i could see that i was not the problem
It all just took one glance.

Then aren't you glad, my glistening star
You had the chance to choose
You chose right
When i asked yoou sleep or death.

Although.
You neglected to answer.

Flight becomes unattainable.
Optics become milky and rotten.
Never to see the same visions again
as if closed off for too long in the darkness.
The deep inky caverns of the mind
of a mind gone cataclysmic.
Once filled to the brim with hope.
There is nothing left where the Lambency once prevailed.
Dire thoughts
Lamentable, Miserable, Painful
The caged bird no longer sings.



+++++++++++

Havn't written much worth posting lately... this started as a rant.
I have been useing my facebook "about me" section as kind of a notepad kind of thing and i come back to teh ones i like. More to come... hopefully.

Caught in the middle of a storm.
What is believed to be sturdy granite
Turns out to be a crumbling sandstone.

The eye can not pierce the thick carapace that surrounds this larval mind
The metamorphic cerebellum contorts and transforms within
Thoughts, dreams, calculations
All is contained

Kept silent

Emotion
None to be seen
None to be heard
Not before being carefully thought out

The storm rages on
Winds whipping away at what appears to be stone.
It is not until the underdeveloped is forcibly brought to light
That a brand new creature is born
and dies the same day.

Caught in the middle of a storm.

Take a snap shot of this moment
Freeze time this way
Never let it fade

Keep the memory in your heart
A kinder time
Save it forever

Because once the sun sets on this day
I won't be the same
Nor will you

Circumstance will not allow it
All will be forever changed
This second never repeated

So save it while you can
Keep it in a closed fist
Take a snapshot of this moment.

++Swept under++

Dusty and discarded
Unwanted thoughts
I try to keep them hidden

Lost amongst the rubble
Of the trust I once had
I find myself

Searching

I look to the shattered pieces
For a way to rebuild
To restore clarity

Thoughts erode my mind
Dissolving all logic
I stumble upon

Emotions

I sweep away
To find a clean surface
Get rid of the clutter

Hide the mess
The pain will ease
If I can learn to sweep them
All under the rug

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh the drama

++Cicatrisation++

Old wounds tear open
Blood flows anew
Things were going so well

You knew not to trust
You learned this before
Didn’t you?

Wounds turn black
White cells choke and die
The infection begins

You cannot keep this up
I see it in your eyes
Some day you will break

Bandages cover up
Prescription purges
But the scar will remain

Unsightly isn’t it?
You will hide it forever
No one will see

Cicatrise
Faint white mark
Always there

You went out on a limb
It was cut from under you
Was it worth it?


+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing important
Having a slight bit of rough weather on my emotional front.
seem to have reverted to a sort of "teen anxt" mode

++Assimilate++

We have come for you.
We shall save you.
We know of your plight.
We know you are unhappy.

So many tears you have spent on selfish things.
So many nights you have lost sleep over hope dashed away.
So many times your mind has continued to bend

Almost to the point of breaking.

I know you have come.
I feel you near
I can tell you understand
I ask you this favor.

Remove the aspects of my mind I no longer need
Drain all my tears till there are none left
Syphon away all worry

Make me biomechanical

Fill me with objectivity
Fill me with confidence
Fill me with strength
Fill me with Metal bits

Assimilate me

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Any who i regularily share things with have already heard the musical part that acompanies this.
well what is finished of it anyway.
perhaps one day i shall merge the words with the melody.
we'll see

In the meantime i hope you enjoy this.
I am quite fond of it actually

Friction

Playful fingers gently skim the surface
A raised brow
Signals something interesting is about to start

Slim profile in dim light tantalizes the sences
A slithering tounge
Indicates how the night will unfold

Smooth skin perspires from the heat
A fluid motion
Keeps nerve impulses at the max

You know you have what I want
You know I will find a way
You know you can’t escape
You know I want to play

Flushed cheeks become increasingly warm
A mischevious smile
Shows that the night is still young

Pulse quickening with every second
A throbbing organ
Never ceases to build tension

Closed eyes make everything more intense
A deep moan
Makes it all worth while

You know you have what I want
You know it is useless to resist
You know I need what I crave
You know I want your

Sweet friction


+++++++++++++++

Myess
i think i shall sleep well tonight.
and as for who this is about.
you know who you are :}

Teach me


Teach me to do what you do
To turn off emotion
To hide the feelings
To make it all seem ok

I grow very tired
I need to turn it off
It’s hard to sleep
In the light of all this pain

Show me the way
Show me to freedom
Show me how to forget
Show me how not to regret

I feel very uneasy
I must close the door
It’s hard to think
With the sound of all this guilt

Help me save myself
Help me feel again
Help me leave my shell
Help me free my mind

Please don’t leave me
Please don’t forget me
Please don’t ignore me
Please…

Please teach me


(written a few weeks ago...not intirely pleased with it...but it could be worse)

I should have known

You look like death
My dear.
What troubles you?
Has hope finally left?

Nothing but a fragile shell
Formerly a lover and a friend
Now strewn broken and ruined
On the steps of what could have been

But you knew it wasn't so
My darling
Did you not?
You knew not to meddle

I should have known
But I am foolish
An insolent fool of a girl
My eyes should shut for good

Then take this as you always have
My love
Reach for the one friend
That never lets you down

I do not deserve to be numbed
Not this time
I deserve to feel the pain
I will not reach any more

But I see the night no longer frightens you
You do not fear shadows
But still
You need a light to guide you

There is no light
When you lay there
Somewhere between sleep and death
Red and swollen eyes

Then choose the one, which suits best
My sweet
What will it be?
Sleep or death?

I neglect to answer.

Web

Early morn’
Spider’s weave
Gossimer tapestry
Littered with dew
Like glistening gems
Tiny crystals sparkling
In the morning sun

This is their invisible trap
Once morning dew evaporates
‘tis no longer seen
and soon to unsuspecting fly
comes a swift and clever net
and soon it is devoured

and that is why
the patient
spinner spins

these were two poems meant to go together.
One written from the perspective of someone looking back on childhood and the other of a child.

I remember

I remember the young girl
Who didn’t fit in
Who tried to fit in
Who yearned to fit in
She could tell
Something about her
made her different

Crying eyes spent
Many nights
Sad and lonely
Clouded by jealousy
For tamagotchi decided
Who was a loser

Zealous girl
Waiting alone
None came
They all passed by
Laughing, jokeing
For her
Friends are few

Grew up too fast
Baby girl
Flaxen hair and steely eyes
The girl I remember
The girl who turned to stone
Dark outside
Holding frozen youth inside
Deep inside

It all has a purpose
Within hidden walls
Lies, truth
No proud individual could be made
Easily
Mental pain strengthens
Forces me to hold dear
The baby girl that I remember

=========

Rainy day

Rainy day
Sky is gray
Here I sit
Far away

Laughing, playing
So much fun
Too bad I’m over here
Wish I was one
Something’s different
About me
This I know
This I see
They don’t like me
No one does

Singing dancing
I want to be
Just like them
The one’s I see

They don’t like me
No one does

Rainy day
Sky is gray
Here I sit
Far away

Snow in October

Was there ever a day when
You didn’t cry?
My girl?
Did the night ever cease to terrify you?
Has that day ever come?
Where you can wake up and feel worth something?
Do you finally feel wanted?

I still feel like snow in October
Nobody wants me there
Quietly drifting down
Taking my time
What have I got to hurry for anyway?

Nobody truly likes anybody
There are always days where
No one wants to pretend anymore

I am sick
Sick of all the two faced bastards
One moment a friend
The next a tormentor

Has there been a day
That this rage has not consumed you?

I live in rage
I live on nerve impulse
I live on regret
I live on fear
I see the filth that no one admits is there.

I think that knife in your back has begun to rust
My dear.
It’s turning your blood black
It is time you removed it
And moved on.

((another one of those odd dialogues with myself that i used to write a lot... this one is pretty old))

Late night.

The air is getting cold.
Had to close the window
Because I can hear the world
Although that is not what is keeping me awake.

Sitting on a matrice on the floor.
Random pains in my gut
Tell me something
I’m not sure I wanted to know.

I shouldn’t have given up so easily.
But here I am.
No turning back
Amassing more regret with each day

All the pain can cease
Sweet sharp metal protrusion
Fill my veins with the power to forget
I shall be safe for another night.

how does it feel?
To be on the other end.
Being torn apart.
By your only friend.

I bet you wonder.
I bet you pretend.
But you don't know what it's like
To want it all to end.

A new page.
Brand new chapter in the less than epic novel of my life.
Another shot at creative expression.
One more try at the quill.

We'll see how it goes.
Born again is the chance to renew inspiration.
An encore attempt at the poetic language.
Again, try to find the words.

And so it begins...